I was small town and she was big city. She is leaving me behind. She will be leaving me behind for her new life. She is leaving for her new love that once was and now is again. The leaving part for her will not be easy. It hurts her heart to think of it . It hurts my heart to think of her leaving the location where our friendship first began.
I know the friendship will always exist between us. She is not leaving the friendship, it will always be there. I know that most of it has been by telephone. I know that we have not had to be face to face to have that bond. But, still there is something very sad about the distance in miles that will be between us that tears at me. It tears at my heart and the tears stream down my cheeks. Just like a little child.
She is the last of them to go. The last of my “heart sisters”. They are still in my heart too, and we still talk by phone, but the distance makes it difficult for me to be there physically, to actually visit face to face. Now, I regret all of the times when I could have been there face to face, but was too busy, and I really was too busy most of the time. I was swept along by too much to do in my life to make time for that friendship as much as I wanted to, as much as she needed me. There were many times when she needed more of me than I could give. We both had our times for different reasons, but always had that connection.
I guess the sadness is due to knowing I cannot just get in my car and reach her in 15-20 minutes if I want to. Weird, since more time has been spent on the phone than in person. But knowing that will not be there makes me extremely sad. I have been through this grief before with my other 2 “sisters”. I am sure that I am being overly emotional as it is not the same. I am not the same now as I was when I first met her. I have grown in so many ways, that I know I will not allow distance to …….. distance us.
I think other aspects of the sadness have to do with my failing myself in going through enough of the hard times to break through to better. I have always dug my heels in when faced with a huge life change. I have balked. I have chickened out. I know that life is shorter for me everyday, and it scares me. I guess it scares me that I will be alone in the middle of all of this muck of my life.
My sadness is selfish. My sadness is also fear. Fear that she won’t need our friendship as I think she has finally found something, a love that takes her home. For that I am extremely grateful to God, that she will have some “peace” in that area of her life. Finally. I am so happy and excited for her! It just occurred to me when I was researching the distance that will be between us to see what her new diggs will be like that it struck me. Really and truly struck me. The grief washed over me uncontrollably and now as I write.
Our friendship has seen much over the years, and we’ve been through lots together. I am sure we will go through more in our lives together. She is big city, I’m just small town. We are different in many ways, and much the same in others that no one else understands but us. So yes, she is leaving me here, but not leaving me behind as parts of our soul-sisters hearts go with each other.
So, she is leaving me here, for a new beginning. Yes, she is, but I know she really is not leaving me behind…………….