Girls Without Shoes

October 24, 2008

Here We Go Again

Filed under: Uncategorized — girlswithoutshoes @ 5:00 am

Actually I should say here he goes again, not here we go again. We are not going anywhere together from the looks of things. Nothing has changed in the month that he was gone. The only reason he is back home is because he fell and injured himself. He had to go to the hospital and get stitched up, so being the idiot that I am, I went and picked him up there. Then the vicodin was a given and of course he took them all. He did not really have a place to stay, and I told him that he could stay for 2 or 3 days and then we would talk. We never really talked. I finally told him, you cannot stay here unless you are clean and in treatment.

He never went to treatment or even a meeting. He seems higher than a kite tonight, all wound up and excited. Why do I not tell him to go again? It is not because I am afraid of being alone. I liked it when he was not here. After about 3 weeks, I missed him mildly. What does that tell you?

I do need money as all of mine went to pay for the house payment. It is way, way too high for both of us to pay, never the less one of us. He gave me some when he was gone, but most of his was garnished for the treatment program that did not get paid. I cannot make it on my paycheck right now. Some changes would have to be made. I am too lazy to make those changes I guess.

I am pissed off to the max right now. I am so damned angry at him and his addiction. I am angry at his choice again. I am angry at my choice, again. I am mad as hell when I hear the happiness of the drug in his voice. For God’s sake, his grandbaby does not even know him as he does not go to see him. Of course he is not allowed when high. Time is passing, time is ticking away. His chances with the grandbaby are going to slip away. It makes me sick. It makes me sad. It makes me mad, so very damned mad.

I do not even want to hear his voice as he is blabbing on and on about the day’s events. I don’t feel like it is a real person talking. It is the drug. It is always the drug. It will always be the drug. Always.

How many times, have I hoped and prayed? How many times do I try to convince myself that it will change? It could change, he could choose differently. He could choose to seek help, to seek life as some say. Instead he chooses not. So what does that mean? It means that is he is not choosing life, then he is choosing a sure death. There, I have said it. In my opinion, he chooses death.  What a waste!

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5 Comments »

  1. Having been the dirt bag you are describing…

    He WILL NOT change. Why should he? He has it pretty good.

    YOU have to be the strong one! Like it or not, your fault or not, you have to make the decision to DO SOMETHING.

    Perhaps you should look into a Narcotics Anonymous meeting.

    Things won’t change until one of you are in enought pain. Will it be him? Or will it be you?

    Not making a decision is a decision in and of itself.

    I know everything you say is right. Thanks for the words of wisdom. I have threatened NA for years. Must find one. All they seem to have here is Alanon.

    Comment by mssc54 — October 24, 2008 @ 9:03 pm

  2. Im with Mssc54 – you should go to the supporters meeting if he will not go. I mean, you need to get the tools to learn to say no.

    As for your financial status… ever thought about renting out the rooms in your house? There are always ways to accomplish the things you want. you simply have to step out of your box and do it!

    Im sending you a big hug.

    I know someone who “changed” besides Mssc54. But it was when he was ready. Not before. He had to hit bottom first. It didn’t magically make him a better man, but it got him on the right path. Sad thing is, that you can’t do it for them. But you can do something for YOU.

    Comment by Amber — October 24, 2008 @ 11:57 pm

  3. Both Mssc54 and Amber have made very good points. It has taken me a long time to learn that I cannot change anyone but myself. It also took that long to realize that things would NEVER change and I finally had enough and walked out.

    I still care so much for my addict, but until he hits his “rock bottom,” there is nothing more I can do. I enabled the relationship to the point that I no longer knew who I was, and that I would never stand a chance against all the addictions. That is a hard reality to face.

    I am now finding peace within myself through counseling and therapy groups. I need to make sure I am strong enough to face what the future may still hold between us for I know more difficult times are still ahead.

    I feel for your suffering. Know that you are not alone and that there are many of us sending you a big hug of support.

    Thanks for the hugs and support.

    Comment by freedomwon — October 26, 2008 @ 2:47 am

  4. *reaches through screen and gives the BIGGEST hugs ever* I am new to your story and your life so I have a question which you don’t need to answer… Why do you stay? perhaps it is one you have asked yourself many times…

    If you ever need an ear, a shoulder or just a vent my door is always open *hugs*

    35 years together is a long time, (since I was 16 years old), love for better or for worse, God, $, but probably the biggest is my comfort zone. I did make him leave, (see Heroin Charly). It is amazing how easily you slip back into your “designated role” that you have played in the addiction for all of those years. At this point, it is more like room mates. This post was probably more venting than anything, not sure if I should have even posted it, but I did! Thanks for all the love and support sent my way. So much for the strong woman who wrote “Is my Contract Still Good”. That strong side is there, but alas so is the weaker side. Bummer.

    Comment by SanityFound — October 26, 2008 @ 4:00 pm

  5. Stong side – weak side; Does that mean you’re a real human being? Everybody has advice for you I’m sure; some of it is even given in a tone of well meaning and compassion. I used to tell my husband that I wished I hated him so that my decisions based on him would be a lot easier. Unfortunately (or fortunately), the God that I serve has a love for me (and him) that passes all understanding. Trust God to get you through this time of need.

    Comment by Sadie — October 27, 2008 @ 1:09 am


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