1. Tell your teen that you are going to bed, play possum until they have snuck out of the house, then follow them. Don’t forget to use your bed pillows to simulate your body, just in case they get home first, so as not to get caught. You will never hear the end of it! They won’t trust you anymore.
2. Disguise yourself as another teenager. Put on your teen’s low rise jeans, straighten your hair, sunglasses, and don’t forget lots of makeup, and say “like” alot. Follow them to events and try to fit in, ‘cuz if you get caught, there will be hell to pay. Oh and don’t forget to pretend to text message extremely fast, (that way you will not have to make eye contact). Warning: Do not dance, your cover will be blown.
3. When your teenager is getting his or her’s R.E.M. sleep is the time to insert the new parental spy microchip into their ear canal. Be very gentle and remember is is made of new biodegradable materials, so it won’t hurt your teen or the environment. You will go everywhere with your teenager. This could be the beginning of a new parent/teen relationship.
4. Pretend to be a janitor at their school, this is especially effective if you have a teen who does not pay attention , so they won’t notice it is you. Besides, they will be too busy text messaging or talking to their friends .
5. Stow away in the trunk of their car. Come on you can still climb in that trunk, it worked great when sneaking into drive in movies. Be sure to create a small air hole that you can stick a straw through. Be sure you can push the back seats open for a quick get away later on.
6. Get a job at their favorite fast food restaurant. You can monitor their nutrition and you will be able to see how they treat other people. Hopefully you have raised them right. Besides, if they are rude, you can always spit in their food.
7. Sew a tracking device in the lining of their jeans. Be sure to use a very slim device so as not to attract attention. If they notice it, tell them they have gained a tiny bit of weight from all of that fast food they have been eating.
8. Bribe their friends, give them quite a large sum of cash to keep you informed of all shenanigans. This will encourage their friends to hang around your home more and encourage your teen to be at home .
9. If all else fails, hire a private eye to follow them around and listen in on their conversations. You will be able to see how aware your teen is of other people around him or her. This can later be used for teaching safety around strangers.
10. Just remember, these teenage years don’t last all that long. Just get them through it safely, remember to have fun and don’t get caught at spying. You do not want them to send you away to the old people’s resort later on.
Don’t worry guys the pure hell of it all won’t last long. When you can’t take anymore, and then a little more, they grow up and start having babies just like them.